i am so tired
Of being broke and struggling to build my savings.1
- Of not being able to travel to all my dream places.
- Of struggling to save up for a girl's trip booked for November.
- Of not being able to help my parents financially, even for a bit.
- Of putting off seeing a GI doctor because I'm anxious about the the cost of consultation, meds, and a very possible endoscopy.
- Of being anxious about my dogs’ health and not having enough for emergency vet visits.
- Of my compulsion to prioritize my hobbies instead of my health and my future.
Of being a third or fifth wheel in every social gathering.
- Of feeling like an NPC in other people's lives.
- Of not having “my person” that I can do regular stuff with.
Of not being able to see my friends regularly.
- Of having to commute for almost 2 hours to see them.
- Of having to spend almost 1,000 pesos for a Grab ride when I decide not to commute.
- Of turning down the occasional hangout because I can’t afford to go out.
Of having no new friends.
- Of being too comfortable being alone and left to my own devices.
- Of being too comfortable spending time with my family and nobody else.
- Of having no energy to join groups and communities.
Of having a stagnant career.
- Of having little to no ambition in life.
- Of being anxious to be in a new workplace and environment.
- Of my unwillingness to work my ass off and look for higher pay elsewhere.
Of self-sabotage and blaming everything and everyone but myself.2
Inb4 “broke but you got a Bear premium account.” Please let me have this one and all the subscriptions I have that cost a tiny fraction of, say, an Adobe subscription. Or a car payment. Or living on my own. I’m sure these things add up but no matter how much I scrimp, I still can’t afford big purchases with my low income. I’m not going to absolve myself though because I can be financially irresponsible and lax when it comes to looking for higher pay. I just don't have my shit together mentally and at this point I can hardly afford a therapist to rectify that.↩
I’m not really looking for any advice (or lectures) with this post. Allow me to rant just this once since I’ve been having a bad couple of days with my GERD and PMS depression. It may also help to list down the things that I’ve been struggling with, so I can organize my thoughts and resolve them accordingly. I'd appreciate book recommendations though. Or an uplifting movie. Or a nice quote. If you have anything in mind, send them my way!↩